Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Parenthood, Part Seven

Since the second miscarriage occurred at just a couple of days past 10 weeks, my doctor felt that a D&C was not necessary. He met with me a few weeks later and checked me out, and said that (once again) these things happen and it doesn't mean that we wouldn't be able to have a baby. He said that we shouldn't panic, but that we should just relax.

(Oh, my many times have we heard THAT??)

Two miscarriages.


I again went to the library and checked out some books. I read them over and over, copying down certain information. This was back before people had computers in their homes and NO ONE had a copy machine or a printer that would copy! I could take the books back to the library and make copies there at 10 cents a page, but I just felt better writing it all down.

Hey, I was two thirds of the way to becoming a "habitual aborter!" Gee, now THERE'S something to write home about. That's the designation you get after three unexplained miscarriages. Honestly, could they have come up with a worse term?

This is where things got tricky. I was really struggling with my emotions. Why did so many other women get pregnant and deliver babies? It just wasn't fair. There were high school girls out there having babies that they really didn't plan for and I couldn't have a baby that we desperately wanted. What was up with that???

Again, Ted didn't feel the need to talk about the losses, but I did. It was so hard. My good friend Shannon still knew nothing about our issues, so I couldn't talk to her about what was going on. Besides, every few months, someone she knew was getting pregnant and I was the one that she felt she could talk to about her feelings. On the outside she was very happy for these women, but on the inside she was crushed that it wasn't her. I understood more than she ever knew, but wanted her to be able to feel as though she hadn't been abandoned by me. So I said nothing.

We purposely did not try to conceive throughout the summer. Not only were we trying to let my body heal, but my emotions needed to heal too. It was a rough time.

Something else happened to add insult to injury. Somewhere in the rural part of our county a farmer on a tractor discovered a garbage bag tossed into a corn field. When he opened the bag, he found a dead infant, wrapped in a blanket. After an investigation, it was determined that a teenage girl had kept her pregnancy a secret and after giving birth, disposed of the body in this black garbage bag. Other details are a little sketchy in my mind, as this happened back in the mid 1980s, BUT I was so upset.

The investigation revealed who the girl was, who gave birth to the child, and determined that the baby boy had been born alive. HOW COULD SHE HAVE THROWN AWAY HER CHILD????

I was sad for the baby that never got to grow up and become a child.

I was mad at the teenage girl for having made a STUPID decision.

If only she had spoken to an adult she trusted. The baby could have been put up for adoption and grown up in a home with parents who loved him.

This just wasn't fair. Here she was, having a baby she didn't want, and here we were, wanting a baby, but not able to have one.


We got through the summer and once September rolled around, we were ready to begin this journey again.


Jen said...

I hate that doctors don't think these things matter. They may see miscarriages all the time but that doesn't mean it is routine to me.

Kara said...

Medical terms are so cold! I, too, don't understand the loss of such precious life and how easy it is for some to "throw" it away.

Dr. Grumbles said...

All sounds so familiar!

And, yes, docs need to learn that telling women it is no big deal doesn't help in the slightest!

Paulie said...

It's hard for me to read about your struggle to have a baby as my first came 9 months to the day I was married --the day he was due.

I am sorry for your losses.

I added a comment to the last three posts today.